Marriage proposals made over a romantic dinner at an elegant restaurant can be very romantic but they are not necessarily creative. Many women dream about the day that the man of their dreams proposes to them and hope that the day will be absolutely perfect in every way imaginable. In a recent study the majority of married women reported that they believe that their spouse spent a significant amount of money on their wedding proposal but that the lack of originality in the proposal had left the women feeling disappointed.
One creative way to propose for a couple involved in a long distance relationship is to plan a surprise visit and set up a scavenger hunt. You could have a friend pick you up from the airport so that your girlfriend doesn’t know that you are coming to visit and have the friend give your girlfriend instructions for the scavenger hunt. You could hide a number of small surprises such as candy, flowers and a CD as the first few stops on the scavenger hunt and then hide at the final location poised to propose when your girlfriend completes the game.
An outdoor enthusiast might appreciate a creative proposal during a camping trip. It’s a good idea to plan a quiet trip for just you and your girlfriend at a picturesque location. You could hide the ring in your sleeping bag to use in a surprise proposal. When it’s time to go to sleep after a long day of hiking and fishing, you could complain that there must be a rock or something underneath you and then pull out the ring and make your proposal. This creative proposal also contains the element of surprise as a camping trip is not a usual proposal location.
Another creative proposal idea is to place an ad in a local newspaper. You could place an outrageous ad in a newspaper asking anyone who was willing to get married to give you a call and include a fictitious phone number. Then when you and your girlfriend are reading the paper together, you could point out the ad as a joke and while she is reading the ad, seize the opportunity to pull out the engagement ring and let her know that you would love to marry her.
Proposing at a sporting event is a creative way to propose to a sports fan. For this proposal idea you could either arrange to have your proposal broadcast over the public address system or displayed on the large screen. If you are really adventurous, you could also contact the team’s public relations department and try to make arrangements to make your proposal on the field at halftime. They might be willing to help you stage a scenario where you are either chosen to win a prize or participate in a contest and while you are on the field, they would hand over the microphone to allow you to make your proposal.
Another creative marriage proposal idea is to purchase a book of poems and leave the first few pages intact and carve a heart into the remaining pages and sew the engagement ring to the back of the book. You could suggest taking turns reading the poems on each page and plan to have your girlfriend turn the final complete page to reveal the heart and ring that were hidden inside. This proposal idea is not only creative but also incredibly romantic.
Having the DJ of your girlfriend’s favorite radio program ask her if she will marry you is another creative proposal idea. You will want to make sure that you are aware of the exact time that the DJ will be sending your message so that you are able to ensure that you and your girlfriend are listening together when he makes the announcement. You could also arrange to have the DJ play a song that has a special meaning for you as a couple so that you can enjoy a dance together after she accepts your creative proposal.
Another creative way to propose is to include all of your family and friends in the event by inviting them all to a surprise party for your girlfriend. To make this proposal work, you would either convince your girlfriend that you want to have a quiet dinner at home or at a restaurant with just the two of you. Once you arrive at the destination all of the guests will reveal themselves and while all eyes are on the two of you, you could take the opportunity to profess your love and propose.
Still another creative way to propose is to hide the ring in an unexpected location. For example you could pretend to have a clogged sink and while you are working to fix the clog, you could reach into the sink and pull out the engagement ring. When your girlfriend is nearby, you could seize the opportunity to pull out the ring you had hidden earlier and say something to the effect of, “No wonder the sink is clogged, I’ll have to find another place to store this ring, how about your finger?” This whimsical proposal is both light-hearted and creative.
A variation on the traditional proposal at an elegant restaurant could be to have the waiter bring out the ring with the bill. You could have a little good natured fun with your girlfriend by going out of your way to drop hints that you would be proposing over dinner. If you keep up the act, she will be expecting your proposal with each course. After dessert you could tell her that you have something very important to ask and as she eagerly awaits your proposal, you could ask an inconsequential question about something completely irrelevant to your relationship. She will probably be furious at this point but her anger won’t last as the waiter arrives with the bill and the engagement ring and you let her know how much she means to you.
Finally a creative proposal idea is for the woman to ask the man to marry her, instead of waiting for him to propose. Many women anxiously await the day that the man in their life will propose but why not add your own creative twist by proposing to him instead. The woman is free to propose in any way that she finds truly romantic and can ensure that the proposal is both creative and romantic and that it’s a moment that they both will remember for the rest of their lives.
A great marriage proposal doesn’t have to be expensive or extravagant. Many women are more likely to cherish the memories of a proposal that was inexpensive but truly creative. The creativity is what makes the proposal so memorable and what makes it a great story to tell their friends.
Masni Rizal Mansor is the publisher for My
Wedding Dresses. Get the best discount
wedding dresses and cheap
wedding invitation card
Friday, November 24, 2006
Weddings: Should You Keep Your Surname When You Marry?
What's in a name? Well, your identity, for starters -- you've spent your whole life "making a name for yourself." That's why changing your name after marriage isn't necessarily easy. The good news is that brides today have many options.
KEEP YOUR NAME
Can’t let go? Keeping your own name means you'll avoid the hassle of alerting everyone you know to the change. On the flip side, dealing with traditional in-laws who don't understand your reluctance to take their name won't be so simple.
TAKE HIS NAME
Taking your husband's name is the most traditional option. Be prepared to receive twice as much junk mail -- mailing lists won't know you're the same person. But everyone else will figure it out, and you'll avoid confusion when you have kids.
TAKE HIS NAME (SORT OF)
You could use your husband's name legally and socially but continue to use your own for business purposes; alternatively, you could keep your own name legally and professionally but use his in social situations.
TAKE BOTH
Or you could decided to keep both names and hyphenate them. If both names work well together, then this could be an option. It gets trickier if the names don’ work together or they have already been hyphenated; this then gets a bit much.
This is all great in theory, but in practice what do brides have to say?
“I took up my husband's surname. It gave me an added feeling of union, but it's not essential.”
“I don't see why I should have to change my name to his. This is who I am and everything I have achieved has been in my name so why change it? Why do WOMEN have to change for the men? I know its all tradition, but tradition isn't really relevant in this day and age, it's only because we live in such a patriarchal society that this occurs.”
I don't believe in changing my name as it is my identity, something I will retain - obviously - throughout our marriage. Also, I don't feel the need to change my name to prove my commitment, or feel any deeper commitment - that is something emotional and spiritual and unrelated to name changing. I must also admit there is also the feminist in me that baulks at the idea that traditionally women changed their name to a man's as she became, legally, another one of his chattel’s along with the cow and horse (Obviously not suggesting this is relevant these days...!)
Anyway, despite my moral high horse, I encountered problems when I discovered my other half did not feel the same and wanted us to have the same name. I made a flippant remark that if he felt that strongly about it he could change his to mine (nothing legally stopping him). From there we came to a compromise that we would both change our names and hyphenate both our surnames. A good compromise to start our marriage, I get to keep my name whilst he ensures we both have the same name!”!
“I would never change my name. I now attach great importance to it. Besides, my parents did all the hard work and I feel as though I am giving that credit to some other family by changing my name. We have had this discussion and he would never expect me to. I personally don't feel the need to be unified under a name.”
I did not change my name. I am in two minds about this. Sometimes I feel as though I should change it because it would make me feel like it was more of a union...but then other times I think we have no boys in the family and if I do not carry on the family name who will?
The problem is that my surname which is hyphenated has come to an end - there are no males to carry on our name. It’s very sad as I am very proud of my name and it has a lot of history. So when I marry my man one day but what do I do?? I really like his surname and would feel kind of honoured to take it (soooo traditional I know!)
“I've kept my surname, I've also known men who have taken their wife's surname. The winner though, goes to a friend who, upon realising her maternal grandmother (her maiden name) was the last in the family line with that name, the bride and groom both changed their names to hers. It was a beautiful gesture.”
“I get REALLY riled up when people question me on my decision to change my name. They say things like, you've lost your identity - Sorry?? ****. My identity is in my personality, my values, my memories and experiences, my upbringing - and my surname is only a small part of that. And losing the connection with my family? That makes no sense to me. I have a wonderful family, which after my wedding doubled in size. I feel a connection with ALL of them, and there are 50 different surnames within my family group. Some people choose not to change their name, and that is entirely their choice and I have no problem with it. I have chosen TO change my name, and people should, in return, have no problem with that, either. Don't let anybody pressure you into a decision one way or the other.”
"I can't decide. I don't feel especially loyal to my existing 'family' name/identity (after all, my grandparents came from 4 different families, but only 1 of their surnames has been passed down to me). It's more that I like my first name plus surname combination as it is. Megan M****. It's has symmetry and style. On the other hand, we're making a new family together and it makes sense to me that everyone in a family should have the same surname. And I don't want to go into marriage marking out all the things I *refuse* to give up or compromise on."
"I am reluctant to give up my current surname, especially at work where people know me as that. However, I like the idea of sharing a name with my husband and for any kids to have parents with the same name (it feels more like a family). So ... I'm thinking of doing the Hollywood thing and retaining my surname but adding his surname, like Joanne Whalley Kilmer."
"I changed my name because I wanted to seal our union, I wanted to prove not only to him but to everyone that I am 100% devoted to him and that we share everything. I knew that it was a big thing for his dad though, not that he is old fashioned or anything like that, but I know that it means a lot to him that I would choose to have their name and really make myself a part of their family. But I did not come to this decision lightly. I did want to keep my own name because it is the last thing I have of my dad. My father passed away when I was 5. I never knew my dad and the only thing left was my last name. So for me, this was a huge and significant decision. I felt sad and in some ways I felt that I was 'letting the team down' so to speak...but I am sure my dad understands that I finally have a man in my life and I want to devote everything to him and our lives together."
"After years of swearing that "I'd never change my surname, I built my career on my name, it’s my trade mark, etc etc".... within 6 months I changed it to my husband's surname. And it was a personal choice, not my husband's, or most of his family. My hubby was happy with whatever I wanted to do, it was MY choice. and he respected me & my decisions. (One of the reasons why I married him - awwww). Funny thing though, my brother in law insisted that his (now) wife change her last name to his when they got married."
"I am the youngest of 5 kids. 4 women, and 1 (gay) son, who is evidently not going to get married and have children. Therefore I feel some sort of obligation to retain my surname and pass it on to my children; the likelihood of our family name carrying on further than us is very slim."
"I would like to take my husbands name, and be called Mrs. I think it's just another (traditional) way to show your commitment to the world. (and there's nothing wrong with tradition) Mainly I'd like to take his name so the WHOLE family has the same last name.
Yes I did accomplish and experience things with my current name. . . but just because I change my surname. . . it doesn't erase those things. It just adds something else to my history. In addition, I have some "ideas" and family traditions that I would like upheld from my side of the family, and are essentially non negotiable. . . it's sort of like a compromise."
And what do Grooms think about all of this?
"A friend of my wife was told that changing her name was "not negotiable". A shame, as she did have a lovely surname. I wasn't fussed whether my wife changed her name or not. I saw it from my point of view...how I would feel to change my identity all of a sudden. It would be weird! .So I never bought it up as it wasn't an issue. I was surprised that within a month or so of getting married she decided to change her drivers license and open joint bank accounts. She really enjoyed it. But, she is still her "old self" at work. And everything is working just fine for her. Funny thing is when I call her at her office and I speak to her secretaries, I still ask for her using her old name. Three years of habit is hard to break!"
"When I get married, I would want my wife to keep her surname. Personally, I don't see any reason why she should have to change her surname to mine when we get married anyway. It's not like I'd own her or anything."
"If my future wife insists on keeping her last name, then I'd have to suck it in and take hers because I just like a bit of identity with families."
Anne Mihelakos is the owner of True Bride, a wedding site and your 'Ultimate Wedding Partner', providing Australian couples with fantastic wedding planning tools. This wedding web site has one of the most comprehensive wedding directories of wedding suppliers across Australia. For more information, visit the website http://www.truebride.com.au.
KEEP YOUR NAME
Can’t let go? Keeping your own name means you'll avoid the hassle of alerting everyone you know to the change. On the flip side, dealing with traditional in-laws who don't understand your reluctance to take their name won't be so simple.
TAKE HIS NAME
Taking your husband's name is the most traditional option. Be prepared to receive twice as much junk mail -- mailing lists won't know you're the same person. But everyone else will figure it out, and you'll avoid confusion when you have kids.
TAKE HIS NAME (SORT OF)
You could use your husband's name legally and socially but continue to use your own for business purposes; alternatively, you could keep your own name legally and professionally but use his in social situations.
TAKE BOTH
Or you could decided to keep both names and hyphenate them. If both names work well together, then this could be an option. It gets trickier if the names don’ work together or they have already been hyphenated; this then gets a bit much.
This is all great in theory, but in practice what do brides have to say?
“I took up my husband's surname. It gave me an added feeling of union, but it's not essential.”
“I don't see why I should have to change my name to his. This is who I am and everything I have achieved has been in my name so why change it? Why do WOMEN have to change for the men? I know its all tradition, but tradition isn't really relevant in this day and age, it's only because we live in such a patriarchal society that this occurs.”
I don't believe in changing my name as it is my identity, something I will retain - obviously - throughout our marriage. Also, I don't feel the need to change my name to prove my commitment, or feel any deeper commitment - that is something emotional and spiritual and unrelated to name changing. I must also admit there is also the feminist in me that baulks at the idea that traditionally women changed their name to a man's as she became, legally, another one of his chattel’s along with the cow and horse (Obviously not suggesting this is relevant these days...!)
Anyway, despite my moral high horse, I encountered problems when I discovered my other half did not feel the same and wanted us to have the same name. I made a flippant remark that if he felt that strongly about it he could change his to mine (nothing legally stopping him). From there we came to a compromise that we would both change our names and hyphenate both our surnames. A good compromise to start our marriage, I get to keep my name whilst he ensures we both have the same name!”!
“I would never change my name. I now attach great importance to it. Besides, my parents did all the hard work and I feel as though I am giving that credit to some other family by changing my name. We have had this discussion and he would never expect me to. I personally don't feel the need to be unified under a name.”
I did not change my name. I am in two minds about this. Sometimes I feel as though I should change it because it would make me feel like it was more of a union...but then other times I think we have no boys in the family and if I do not carry on the family name who will?
The problem is that my surname which is hyphenated has come to an end - there are no males to carry on our name. It’s very sad as I am very proud of my name and it has a lot of history. So when I marry my man one day but what do I do?? I really like his surname and would feel kind of honoured to take it (soooo traditional I know!)
“I've kept my surname, I've also known men who have taken their wife's surname. The winner though, goes to a friend who, upon realising her maternal grandmother (her maiden name) was the last in the family line with that name, the bride and groom both changed their names to hers. It was a beautiful gesture.”
“I get REALLY riled up when people question me on my decision to change my name. They say things like, you've lost your identity - Sorry?? ****. My identity is in my personality, my values, my memories and experiences, my upbringing - and my surname is only a small part of that. And losing the connection with my family? That makes no sense to me. I have a wonderful family, which after my wedding doubled in size. I feel a connection with ALL of them, and there are 50 different surnames within my family group. Some people choose not to change their name, and that is entirely their choice and I have no problem with it. I have chosen TO change my name, and people should, in return, have no problem with that, either. Don't let anybody pressure you into a decision one way or the other.”
"I can't decide. I don't feel especially loyal to my existing 'family' name/identity (after all, my grandparents came from 4 different families, but only 1 of their surnames has been passed down to me). It's more that I like my first name plus surname combination as it is. Megan M****. It's has symmetry and style. On the other hand, we're making a new family together and it makes sense to me that everyone in a family should have the same surname. And I don't want to go into marriage marking out all the things I *refuse* to give up or compromise on."
"I am reluctant to give up my current surname, especially at work where people know me as that. However, I like the idea of sharing a name with my husband and for any kids to have parents with the same name (it feels more like a family). So ... I'm thinking of doing the Hollywood thing and retaining my surname but adding his surname, like Joanne Whalley Kilmer."
"I changed my name because I wanted to seal our union, I wanted to prove not only to him but to everyone that I am 100% devoted to him and that we share everything. I knew that it was a big thing for his dad though, not that he is old fashioned or anything like that, but I know that it means a lot to him that I would choose to have their name and really make myself a part of their family. But I did not come to this decision lightly. I did want to keep my own name because it is the last thing I have of my dad. My father passed away when I was 5. I never knew my dad and the only thing left was my last name. So for me, this was a huge and significant decision. I felt sad and in some ways I felt that I was 'letting the team down' so to speak...but I am sure my dad understands that I finally have a man in my life and I want to devote everything to him and our lives together."
"After years of swearing that "I'd never change my surname, I built my career on my name, it’s my trade mark, etc etc".... within 6 months I changed it to my husband's surname. And it was a personal choice, not my husband's, or most of his family. My hubby was happy with whatever I wanted to do, it was MY choice. and he respected me & my decisions. (One of the reasons why I married him - awwww). Funny thing though, my brother in law insisted that his (now) wife change her last name to his when they got married."
"I am the youngest of 5 kids. 4 women, and 1 (gay) son, who is evidently not going to get married and have children. Therefore I feel some sort of obligation to retain my surname and pass it on to my children; the likelihood of our family name carrying on further than us is very slim."
"I would like to take my husbands name, and be called Mrs. I think it's just another (traditional) way to show your commitment to the world. (and there's nothing wrong with tradition) Mainly I'd like to take his name so the WHOLE family has the same last name.
Yes I did accomplish and experience things with my current name. . . but just because I change my surname. . . it doesn't erase those things. It just adds something else to my history. In addition, I have some "ideas" and family traditions that I would like upheld from my side of the family, and are essentially non negotiable. . . it's sort of like a compromise."
And what do Grooms think about all of this?
"A friend of my wife was told that changing her name was "not negotiable". A shame, as she did have a lovely surname. I wasn't fussed whether my wife changed her name or not. I saw it from my point of view...how I would feel to change my identity all of a sudden. It would be weird! .So I never bought it up as it wasn't an issue. I was surprised that within a month or so of getting married she decided to change her drivers license and open joint bank accounts. She really enjoyed it. But, she is still her "old self" at work. And everything is working just fine for her. Funny thing is when I call her at her office and I speak to her secretaries, I still ask for her using her old name. Three years of habit is hard to break!"
"When I get married, I would want my wife to keep her surname. Personally, I don't see any reason why she should have to change her surname to mine when we get married anyway. It's not like I'd own her or anything."
"If my future wife insists on keeping her last name, then I'd have to suck it in and take hers because I just like a bit of identity with families."
Anne Mihelakos is the owner of True Bride, a wedding site and your 'Ultimate Wedding Partner', providing Australian couples with fantastic wedding planning tools. This wedding web site has one of the most comprehensive wedding directories of wedding suppliers across Australia. For more information, visit the website http://www.truebride.com.au.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Why Does Dating Have to Be So Difficult Sometimes?
What a confusing world of dating out there isn't it? Now there are now more singles than at any time in
American history.
Why does dating have to be so difficult? Doesn't it seem as if many men are questioning their own manhood? I
mean really...shouldn't it be a natural thing to know how to 'date women'? Why do we have great catches who are both men and women yet are struggling with their own dating and sex lives?
Yes, women are having struggles with it as well. Yet should all of this blame go onto the men? I would like to take you in for a closer look into this great social dynamic paradox.
When you think about it, isn't dating and relationships one of the most important areas of life anyways?
Instead of looking at superficial solutions like most other dating coaches will do ('work harder, join more dating sites, get out there, etc.') I want to go to the root of the issue itself. From there, all of the
action-oriented solutions will present themselves anyways.
Though I write books on this, I'll try and keep this article short.
It is our uniquely modern social dynamic itself that has affected and altered the dating and mating game.
We now live in a social culture that has essentially become more socialistic than Socialistic societies. The level of influence and effect that now exists from our socio-centric culture is unparalleled.
To clarify things, I simply call it the 'social matrix'. I originally called it the 'forced reality'. It is
the socio-cultural reality and power game that has been built on top of nature itself.
You can't deny that any number of people can exist in together because that's what makes a society.
You can look to tribal groups, villages, the caste system, townships, subcultures, prison culture, high school social dynamics, etc. but when you compare any of them to the dominant social system in the world today (Western social culture), they don't compare.
It is no longer an equal society. Architects have essentially taken over and forged the social matrix to be a perfect system of power and influence. Architects such as producers and executives have got millions of people in a chokehold without their ever knowing it.
The whole system is invisible yet incredibly pervasive. You could live your whole life in this social matrix without ever knowing it. Cultural differentiation was the one thing that saved me.
Now am I starting to sound too escapist and like a threat to this culture itself? Well, maybe you had better think about where the threat really lies?
Millions of people are stuck in a stimulus-response relationship DAILY under the power and influence of the Architects. Television, advertising, music, radio, print advertising, etc. All of this is a system which people have become accustomed to.
That are being fed 'programming' from sources outside of a purely open and interdependent relationship. It is no longer a familial society of equal and opportunistic relationships. It is a society of those in power and those who have been programmed and influenced by those in power.
The reason this affects dating is because the Architects of the social matrix have for decades been promoting and exploiting the sexuality of women. They've essentially taken them and given them 'the power'. They promote the sexploitation of women to be the stimulus or 'control' for countless millions of men to 'respond' to.
Just look at the cover of magazines or almost any ad catered to men and see how they somehow attribute a woman's sexuality to get men to 'respond'. This also gets other women to be like these women so they can rise up this superficially created (yet seemingly real) social hierarchy.
This creates trillions of dollars in revenue across multiple industries. But what it is doing when it comes to dating is this; there is now a divergence. By creating this forced reality which is the opposite of nature, there is a great dichotomy.
It is a fantasy.
They promote the fantasy. Pornography is a fantasy where women are teasingly acting unnatural to get men to 'respond'. Now we have 40 year old virgins because of this divergent dating 'reality'.
Real men who are great catches have questioned their own manhood but it was really this great social game that was being played.
Millions of women are living the dichotomy because of adapting to their social environment which tells them to be the stimulus to attract men yet the men keep buying into the fantasy. It's a fantasy for them too. It's leaving millions of people in a dating mess.
People are more independent and isolated now because they are connected to their iPOD's and downloads in a response relationship to that stimulus instead of being in a more open and truly interdependent, familial society like old Europe or small-town American (even Cheers).
The best way you can get on top of this whole dating thing is to not listen to mainstream teachers because they're teaching what doesn't work except for those ready for marriage.
What to do instead, is to seek out the true answers behind the ironic behavior of men and women today.
Therein lies your revelation and ability to actually BE yourself and finally effective around women and dating instead of consistently running into walls.
Rion Williams is one of the foremost experts in dating advice, personal power and relational dynamics. He is well-known within the seduction community itself.
His work focuses on the regaining and improving of real character within frustrated men who do don't want to 'act', use pick-up lines or techniques to get women.
He teaches modern men how to truly be natural and comfortable in their own skin to consistently succeed with women, attraction and dating. You can sign up for his free eZines and find out more information at http://www.relationaldynamics.org
He also has a free podcast at http://www.lifestyledatingradio.com
American history.
Why does dating have to be so difficult? Doesn't it seem as if many men are questioning their own manhood? I
mean really...shouldn't it be a natural thing to know how to 'date women'? Why do we have great catches who are both men and women yet are struggling with their own dating and sex lives?
Yes, women are having struggles with it as well. Yet should all of this blame go onto the men? I would like to take you in for a closer look into this great social dynamic paradox.
When you think about it, isn't dating and relationships one of the most important areas of life anyways?
Instead of looking at superficial solutions like most other dating coaches will do ('work harder, join more dating sites, get out there, etc.') I want to go to the root of the issue itself. From there, all of the
action-oriented solutions will present themselves anyways.
Though I write books on this, I'll try and keep this article short.
It is our uniquely modern social dynamic itself that has affected and altered the dating and mating game.
We now live in a social culture that has essentially become more socialistic than Socialistic societies. The level of influence and effect that now exists from our socio-centric culture is unparalleled.
To clarify things, I simply call it the 'social matrix'. I originally called it the 'forced reality'. It is
the socio-cultural reality and power game that has been built on top of nature itself.
You can't deny that any number of people can exist in together because that's what makes a society.
You can look to tribal groups, villages, the caste system, townships, subcultures, prison culture, high school social dynamics, etc. but when you compare any of them to the dominant social system in the world today (Western social culture), they don't compare.
It is no longer an equal society. Architects have essentially taken over and forged the social matrix to be a perfect system of power and influence. Architects such as producers and executives have got millions of people in a chokehold without their ever knowing it.
The whole system is invisible yet incredibly pervasive. You could live your whole life in this social matrix without ever knowing it. Cultural differentiation was the one thing that saved me.
Now am I starting to sound too escapist and like a threat to this culture itself? Well, maybe you had better think about where the threat really lies?
Millions of people are stuck in a stimulus-response relationship DAILY under the power and influence of the Architects. Television, advertising, music, radio, print advertising, etc. All of this is a system which people have become accustomed to.
That are being fed 'programming' from sources outside of a purely open and interdependent relationship. It is no longer a familial society of equal and opportunistic relationships. It is a society of those in power and those who have been programmed and influenced by those in power.
The reason this affects dating is because the Architects of the social matrix have for decades been promoting and exploiting the sexuality of women. They've essentially taken them and given them 'the power'. They promote the sexploitation of women to be the stimulus or 'control' for countless millions of men to 'respond' to.
Just look at the cover of magazines or almost any ad catered to men and see how they somehow attribute a woman's sexuality to get men to 'respond'. This also gets other women to be like these women so they can rise up this superficially created (yet seemingly real) social hierarchy.
This creates trillions of dollars in revenue across multiple industries. But what it is doing when it comes to dating is this; there is now a divergence. By creating this forced reality which is the opposite of nature, there is a great dichotomy.
It is a fantasy.
They promote the fantasy. Pornography is a fantasy where women are teasingly acting unnatural to get men to 'respond'. Now we have 40 year old virgins because of this divergent dating 'reality'.
Real men who are great catches have questioned their own manhood but it was really this great social game that was being played.
Millions of women are living the dichotomy because of adapting to their social environment which tells them to be the stimulus to attract men yet the men keep buying into the fantasy. It's a fantasy for them too. It's leaving millions of people in a dating mess.
People are more independent and isolated now because they are connected to their iPOD's and downloads in a response relationship to that stimulus instead of being in a more open and truly interdependent, familial society like old Europe or small-town American (even Cheers).
The best way you can get on top of this whole dating thing is to not listen to mainstream teachers because they're teaching what doesn't work except for those ready for marriage.
What to do instead, is to seek out the true answers behind the ironic behavior of men and women today.
Therein lies your revelation and ability to actually BE yourself and finally effective around women and dating instead of consistently running into walls.
Rion Williams is one of the foremost experts in dating advice, personal power and relational dynamics. He is well-known within the seduction community itself.
His work focuses on the regaining and improving of real character within frustrated men who do don't want to 'act', use pick-up lines or techniques to get women.
He teaches modern men how to truly be natural and comfortable in their own skin to consistently succeed with women, attraction and dating. You can sign up for his free eZines and find out more information at http://www.relationaldynamics.org
He also has a free podcast at http://www.lifestyledatingradio.com
Cheating Husbands - Meeting Needs?
Husbands cheat on their wives for many reasons. They could be bored with their lifestyle and feel that they need to do something exciting or they could be having a midlife crisis. The latter is very common as many husbands cheat on their wives when they seem to reach 40 for some reason.
Perhaps it is because they suddenly realise that 40 could possibly be half way through their lives and they need to give their egos a boost. Or perhaps as they reflect back over the past years they may feel that they have not achieved very much out of life. They may not be able to do much about changing their situation at home or to their current lifestyle so they decide to look elsewhere and become a cheating husband.
Cheating husbands always think that the grass is greener on the other side of the hill - just like to three billy goat gruffs did! For some reason they think that something is or has been missing from their lives or they feel that they have not fulfilled all their hopes, dreams or ambitions throughout their lives so far. So now is the time to try and change all this by cheating on their wives and they may achieve some of the goals that were missed over the years.
Cheating husbands looking for attention often go to night clubs to meet new girlfriends as this is a way of seeing and chatting to prospective dates. Once a cheating husband has lined up a date then all that is left to do is to escape from home to be with his new girlfriend. Escaping from home however is only a minor matter as he can use the excuse to work late or arrange business meetings.
The cheating husband may wish to go on holiday with his new found girlfriend and finding an excuse may not be necessary as if he has a circle of lads that he regularly goes around with then he has the ideal opportunity to say that he is going away with them.
Sometimes cheating husbands will stray for a few months but they soon realise that they really do miss their family and would very much like their old lifestyle back. Should their wife be willing to take them back then they are very lucky to be forgiven. Although it must be remembered that once a cheating husband has strayed he may be liable to cheat again later on in life whenever he feels the urge to boost his ego again!
Should a cheating husband not be forgiven by his wife then he stands to lose a great deal. There is his family for a start to consider and existing friends may not now stand by him. His whole life may need to be uprooted to accommodate his new situation. He may not only lose family and friends but also work colleagues that nay not see his cheating on his wife as a favourable decision. He may become so unhappy with life that he may have to consider leaving the area to which he used to call his home and move away and start afresh in an unfamiliar territory. This could end up being a very costly mistake both emotionally and financially and cheating husbands should consider very carefully the implications of cheating on their wives before committing themselves to an affair.
Jenny Clair is the editor of Marriage-Divorce-Separation.com an article based web site exploring the human side of marriage breakdowns, divorce and separation situations.
http://www.marriage-divorce-separation.com
Perhaps it is because they suddenly realise that 40 could possibly be half way through their lives and they need to give their egos a boost. Or perhaps as they reflect back over the past years they may feel that they have not achieved very much out of life. They may not be able to do much about changing their situation at home or to their current lifestyle so they decide to look elsewhere and become a cheating husband.
Cheating husbands always think that the grass is greener on the other side of the hill - just like to three billy goat gruffs did! For some reason they think that something is or has been missing from their lives or they feel that they have not fulfilled all their hopes, dreams or ambitions throughout their lives so far. So now is the time to try and change all this by cheating on their wives and they may achieve some of the goals that were missed over the years.
Cheating husbands looking for attention often go to night clubs to meet new girlfriends as this is a way of seeing and chatting to prospective dates. Once a cheating husband has lined up a date then all that is left to do is to escape from home to be with his new girlfriend. Escaping from home however is only a minor matter as he can use the excuse to work late or arrange business meetings.
The cheating husband may wish to go on holiday with his new found girlfriend and finding an excuse may not be necessary as if he has a circle of lads that he regularly goes around with then he has the ideal opportunity to say that he is going away with them.
Sometimes cheating husbands will stray for a few months but they soon realise that they really do miss their family and would very much like their old lifestyle back. Should their wife be willing to take them back then they are very lucky to be forgiven. Although it must be remembered that once a cheating husband has strayed he may be liable to cheat again later on in life whenever he feels the urge to boost his ego again!
Should a cheating husband not be forgiven by his wife then he stands to lose a great deal. There is his family for a start to consider and existing friends may not now stand by him. His whole life may need to be uprooted to accommodate his new situation. He may not only lose family and friends but also work colleagues that nay not see his cheating on his wife as a favourable decision. He may become so unhappy with life that he may have to consider leaving the area to which he used to call his home and move away and start afresh in an unfamiliar territory. This could end up being a very costly mistake both emotionally and financially and cheating husbands should consider very carefully the implications of cheating on their wives before committing themselves to an affair.
Jenny Clair is the editor of Marriage-Divorce-Separation.com an article based web site exploring the human side of marriage breakdowns, divorce and separation situations.
http://www.marriage-divorce-separation.com
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Is SHE Cheating? Many Unsuspecting Husbands Find Out Too Late
Couples therapists report a 50% increase in female infidelity. The cover story in the current issue of Newsweek magazine is all about cheating wives: "The New Infidelity - From Office Affairs to Internet Hook-Ups, More Wives Are Cheating Too." Yet, as widespread as female infidelity has become, many unsuspecting husbands have no idea their wives are having an affair. They often find themselves in a situation like David in the Newsweek article, who found out his wife was cheating the day she told him she wanted a divorce. Unsuspecting husbands are often surprised when they learn about a cheating wife's extramarital affair. But, the stark reality is that if a husband isn't familiar with the signs of infidelity, by the time he finds out his wife is cheating, it's usually too late.
Women Don't Become Cheaters Overnight
Yet many of the signs may have been there all along. A woman doesn't become a cheating wife overnight. Infidelity develops in stages. In almost every case, there are numerous telltale signs along the way. In fact, many of the warning signs of impending infidelity are evident long before the physical act of infidelity actually takes place.
Know How to Spot the Telltale Signs
The husband who knows how to spot the signs of infidelity has a fighting chance to save his marriage. He won't end up like John LeSage in the Newsweek article who was devastated when he came home one day and found that his wife of 24 years had disappeared. John said, "I would have done a lot things differently, but I never got the chance." This loving, but unsuspecting husband never knew his marriage was in jeopardy because he was unfamiliar with the warning signs.
Identifying the Problem
The first step in solving a problem is knowing that the problem exists. There are certain telltale signs that serve as a wake-up call that a marriage is in trouble. A husband doesn't need to hire a private detective or invest in sophisticated surveillance equipment to find out if his wife is having an affair. If he knows what to look for, all he needs are his eyes, his ears and his personal knowledge of his wife. Knowing what to look for is the key.
21 Categories of Telltale Signs
There are 21 categories of telltale signs, with numerous signs in each category. Of course, no can be expected to know them all. That's why it makes sense to invest in a relationship reference book like Is He Cheating on You? in order to become more knowledgeable about the warning signs. After all, most families have a medical reference book in their home to alert them to the signs and symptoms of health and medical problems. The same thing applies to marital problems like infidelity.
Universal Telltale Signs
Some of the signs of infidelity documented in Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs apply exclusively to cheating men. But many of the signs are universal and apply to both cheating husbands and cheating wives. Additional information about infidelity can be found at www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com Although the website is primarily directed to women, about a third of the e-mails received come from men seeking advice about various telltale signs.
So What Should a Husband Do?
With infidelity affecting 80% of all marriages, the husband who values his marriage would do well to become familiar with the warning signs. He should always strive to be aware of his wife's feelings and keep abreast of the things that are going on in her life. It's not about being overly suspicious. It's about keeping a finger on the pulse of his marriage. Forewarned is forearmed. This way, he'll be equipped to recognize even the most subtle telltale signs. The future of his marriage may well depend on his ability to spot those telltale signs in time.
© Ruth Houston 2004 All rights reserved.
Ruth Houston is the author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs". For more information about the book or about infidelity, visit http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com or http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com To receive a FREE Special Report which describes each of the 21 Categories of Telltale Signs, send an e-mail to InfidelityInfo@gmail.com with “21 categories” in the subject line.
Women Don't Become Cheaters Overnight
Yet many of the signs may have been there all along. A woman doesn't become a cheating wife overnight. Infidelity develops in stages. In almost every case, there are numerous telltale signs along the way. In fact, many of the warning signs of impending infidelity are evident long before the physical act of infidelity actually takes place.
Know How to Spot the Telltale Signs
The husband who knows how to spot the signs of infidelity has a fighting chance to save his marriage. He won't end up like John LeSage in the Newsweek article who was devastated when he came home one day and found that his wife of 24 years had disappeared. John said, "I would have done a lot things differently, but I never got the chance." This loving, but unsuspecting husband never knew his marriage was in jeopardy because he was unfamiliar with the warning signs.
Identifying the Problem
The first step in solving a problem is knowing that the problem exists. There are certain telltale signs that serve as a wake-up call that a marriage is in trouble. A husband doesn't need to hire a private detective or invest in sophisticated surveillance equipment to find out if his wife is having an affair. If he knows what to look for, all he needs are his eyes, his ears and his personal knowledge of his wife. Knowing what to look for is the key.
21 Categories of Telltale Signs
There are 21 categories of telltale signs, with numerous signs in each category. Of course, no can be expected to know them all. That's why it makes sense to invest in a relationship reference book like Is He Cheating on You? in order to become more knowledgeable about the warning signs. After all, most families have a medical reference book in their home to alert them to the signs and symptoms of health and medical problems. The same thing applies to marital problems like infidelity.
Universal Telltale Signs
Some of the signs of infidelity documented in Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs apply exclusively to cheating men. But many of the signs are universal and apply to both cheating husbands and cheating wives. Additional information about infidelity can be found at www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com Although the website is primarily directed to women, about a third of the e-mails received come from men seeking advice about various telltale signs.
So What Should a Husband Do?
With infidelity affecting 80% of all marriages, the husband who values his marriage would do well to become familiar with the warning signs. He should always strive to be aware of his wife's feelings and keep abreast of the things that are going on in her life. It's not about being overly suspicious. It's about keeping a finger on the pulse of his marriage. Forewarned is forearmed. This way, he'll be equipped to recognize even the most subtle telltale signs. The future of his marriage may well depend on his ability to spot those telltale signs in time.
© Ruth Houston 2004 All rights reserved.
Ruth Houston is the author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs". For more information about the book or about infidelity, visit http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com or http://www.InfidelityAdvice.com To receive a FREE Special Report which describes each of the 21 Categories of Telltale Signs, send an e-mail to InfidelityInfo@gmail.com with “21 categories” in the subject line.
10 Crucial and Surprising Steps to Build Trust in a Relationship
1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What's up? Why is he doing that? He's never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn't mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!
2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable." No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven's sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"
3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here's a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!
4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!"
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly. Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here's a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win him back." So she begins an all out effort to "work on the marriage." She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies." Doesn't work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!" She's hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?" Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: "I need…x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?" He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What about my needs?" You respond, "I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly." Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn't you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. State who YOU are - loudly. It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then…begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.
8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?
9. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.
10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
2. Inform your significant other when you become "unpredictable." No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven's sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, "I really don't know what is going on in me right now, but I'm moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!"
3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here's a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, "How do I look?" (And she's wearing a dress you don't particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, "You look great." You don't really mean it and a part of her knows you really don't mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal - we all have done something similar - but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here's how to match the words with the nonverbal: "I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She's not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She's not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!
4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often: "But, I don't want to hurt him." A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn't trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. "Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!"
5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn't talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can't trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I'm not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known - loudly. Be a little - no, be a lot - self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here's a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to "win him back." So she begins an all out effort to "work on the marriage." She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to "be nice" and meet every need he ever said he had. She's going to "fill his tank with goodies." Doesn't work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels "smothered" or maybe even resentful: "Why is she doing this NOW!" She's hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive - if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine - just doesn't work. It's perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn't say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so "nice and caring?" Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: "I need…x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?" He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, "What about my needs?" You respond, "I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly." Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn't you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn't that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. State who YOU are - loudly. It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you're like most of us, you haven't given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don't you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don't you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You're concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn't destroy trust. But it doesn't create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then…begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.
8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don't stop, you demand they stop. If they don't stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?
9. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don't speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won't fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don't people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your "quiet center," remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.
10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com
The Art of Seduction: How to Use 'Option Limitation' to Maximise Your Success
Getting girls to feel an attraction for you –The Art of Seduction - that isn’t simply based on your looks, the contents of your wallet or the car you’ve got parked outside. The Art of Seduction can be really tricky.
After all, how are men supposed to know what each girl’s looking for without asking (hence the word “Art” in Art of Seduction – Art is not something all men can do or understand)?
If you DID ask, you know your chances would be small, after all, no girl wants a guy approaching her with needy questions - she wants a confident man who somehow seems to know what she’s after and can give it to her (And only men who understand the Art of Seduction can do that).
So how do you do it? How do you learn the Art of Seduction and all of its specifics?
How do you become the ultimate Art of Seduction master…A man that effortlessly exudes confidence, dominance and presence…without turning into an arrogant poser or desperate wannabe?
The answer to the Art of Seduction lies in basic human psychology. It’s at the heart of all persuasive social situations, and absolutely central to the success of any guy’s attempts at the Art of Seduction. Quite simply, by learning the CORRECT psychological rules, principles and tactics, any guy can play and WIN at the Art of Seduction. For example, let’s look at one such psychological technique, that used correctly boosts any guy’s chance of getting a girl’s number or hooking up with her at a later date by at least 50%, each and every time he uses it. It’s called option limitation and works on the following principle of human nature:
When someone’s presented with only a single choice, often their natural reaction will be to rebel against it and go their own way. However, when given 2 or 3 options, the opposite occurs: they feel their intellectual freedom has been respected and they make their choice from the variety of options they’ve been presented with.
You can use this universal psychological principle when learning the Art of Seduction. This is applied to women by carefully constructing how you pose important questions or phrases while talking to them.
For example, when learning the Art of Seduction most men think saying: “Can I have your number?” is an okay way to finish a conversation that’s gone well with a girl. But a much more powerful and effective way of saying the same thing would be to use option limitation (which is a phenomenal seduction technique). Something like: “It’s been nice to meet you. Shall we swap numbers or maybe grab a bite to eat and a drink tomorrow?” What you’re doing is a subtle Art of Seduction method…you’re presenting the girl with a choice between good and better – whichever she says yes to, you win. If you only give her one option, as in the first example, she’s likely to create her own alternative, which means there’s a chance she won’t say yes to the option you gave her. When she subconsciously recognises that she’s been given a choice between multiple outcomes, she feels her intellectual freedom has been respected and she chooses one of them. Thus completing the first, and most vital step in the Art of Seduction.
So, always use option limitation in the Art of Seduction to give the impression there’s a variety of options available to the girl – even though each one is fine as far as you’re concerned. And to strengthen the effect of option limitation, always try to separate the choices you give the girl with the word “or.” When people hear “or” they automatically recognise that they need to make a choice, and therefore do just that.
Option limitation is just one example of the Art of Seduction and how, whether they know it or not, men who are successful with women (men who have mastered the Art of Seduction) CREATE that success for themselves – not through luck or good fortune.
Learn the Art of Seduction and how men can turn the tables on women by using special psychological techniques to attract and seduce them, anywhere, anytime…effortlessly. Visit http://www.hardworkingcommunications.com/html/untitled26.htmlmany college students the decision about going to college presents a huge financial challenge. College costs have spiraled upwards in recent years and many students simple cannot afford the cost of attending college today. It is a discouraging situation for many students but fortunately there is a way out of this quagmire. With help from the federal government and some private lenders prospective students can actually go on to college using students loans.
Lending institutions like the federal government provide long-term student loans that enable students to attend college while deferring any payments on those loans. These loans are good until a student has graduated or is not a student any longer or becomes less than a half time student or that student withdraws from college.
Parents can also borrow money on behalf of their undergraduate children. This type of loan is usually made through the Parent Loans for Undergraduate Students program or PLUS as it is more commonly known. There are also other options that are available to students to explore when it comes to borrowing money for college.
Non-Federal Student Loans or “alternative loans” are the other options available to students when it comes to borrowing money for college. Unlike federal student loans these types of loans are not guaranteed or backed by the government. It is also important to know that “alternative loans” are based on credit rating and credit worthiness.
The typical time for repayment of student loans is usually a maximum of thirty years. The average time range for repayment of these loans is usually on average between ten and thirty years. For most students loan consolidation is usually a simplified way to make student loan repayment affordable and simple.
Over the years student loans have risen in popularity due to the interest rate being tied to the current inflation rates which do not take into consideration the ongoing interest rate in the country. This rate is set by the Department of Education and is the same for every borrower. So before you give up on going to college, you can still pursue your dream by riding the student loan train.
For more information on financing your college education, the considerations when taking out a student loan and finding a student loan visit www.personalfinancemap.com
After all, how are men supposed to know what each girl’s looking for without asking (hence the word “Art” in Art of Seduction – Art is not something all men can do or understand)?
If you DID ask, you know your chances would be small, after all, no girl wants a guy approaching her with needy questions - she wants a confident man who somehow seems to know what she’s after and can give it to her (And only men who understand the Art of Seduction can do that).
So how do you do it? How do you learn the Art of Seduction and all of its specifics?
How do you become the ultimate Art of Seduction master…A man that effortlessly exudes confidence, dominance and presence…without turning into an arrogant poser or desperate wannabe?
The answer to the Art of Seduction lies in basic human psychology. It’s at the heart of all persuasive social situations, and absolutely central to the success of any guy’s attempts at the Art of Seduction. Quite simply, by learning the CORRECT psychological rules, principles and tactics, any guy can play and WIN at the Art of Seduction. For example, let’s look at one such psychological technique, that used correctly boosts any guy’s chance of getting a girl’s number or hooking up with her at a later date by at least 50%, each and every time he uses it. It’s called option limitation and works on the following principle of human nature:
When someone’s presented with only a single choice, often their natural reaction will be to rebel against it and go their own way. However, when given 2 or 3 options, the opposite occurs: they feel their intellectual freedom has been respected and they make their choice from the variety of options they’ve been presented with.
You can use this universal psychological principle when learning the Art of Seduction. This is applied to women by carefully constructing how you pose important questions or phrases while talking to them.
For example, when learning the Art of Seduction most men think saying: “Can I have your number?” is an okay way to finish a conversation that’s gone well with a girl. But a much more powerful and effective way of saying the same thing would be to use option limitation (which is a phenomenal seduction technique). Something like: “It’s been nice to meet you. Shall we swap numbers or maybe grab a bite to eat and a drink tomorrow?” What you’re doing is a subtle Art of Seduction method…you’re presenting the girl with a choice between good and better – whichever she says yes to, you win. If you only give her one option, as in the first example, she’s likely to create her own alternative, which means there’s a chance she won’t say yes to the option you gave her. When she subconsciously recognises that she’s been given a choice between multiple outcomes, she feels her intellectual freedom has been respected and she chooses one of them. Thus completing the first, and most vital step in the Art of Seduction.
So, always use option limitation in the Art of Seduction to give the impression there’s a variety of options available to the girl – even though each one is fine as far as you’re concerned. And to strengthen the effect of option limitation, always try to separate the choices you give the girl with the word “or.” When people hear “or” they automatically recognise that they need to make a choice, and therefore do just that.
Option limitation is just one example of the Art of Seduction and how, whether they know it or not, men who are successful with women (men who have mastered the Art of Seduction) CREATE that success for themselves – not through luck or good fortune.
Learn the Art of Seduction and how men can turn the tables on women by using special psychological techniques to attract and seduce them, anywhere, anytime…effortlessly. Visit http://www.hardworkingcommunications.com/html/untitled26.htmlmany college students the decision about going to college presents a huge financial challenge. College costs have spiraled upwards in recent years and many students simple cannot afford the cost of attending college today. It is a discouraging situation for many students but fortunately there is a way out of this quagmire. With help from the federal government and some private lenders prospective students can actually go on to college using students loans.
Lending institutions like the federal government provide long-term student loans that enable students to attend college while deferring any payments on those loans. These loans are good until a student has graduated or is not a student any longer or becomes less than a half time student or that student withdraws from college.
Parents can also borrow money on behalf of their undergraduate children. This type of loan is usually made through the Parent Loans for Undergraduate Students program or PLUS as it is more commonly known. There are also other options that are available to students to explore when it comes to borrowing money for college.
Non-Federal Student Loans or “alternative loans” are the other options available to students when it comes to borrowing money for college. Unlike federal student loans these types of loans are not guaranteed or backed by the government. It is also important to know that “alternative loans” are based on credit rating and credit worthiness.
The typical time for repayment of student loans is usually a maximum of thirty years. The average time range for repayment of these loans is usually on average between ten and thirty years. For most students loan consolidation is usually a simplified way to make student loan repayment affordable and simple.
Over the years student loans have risen in popularity due to the interest rate being tied to the current inflation rates which do not take into consideration the ongoing interest rate in the country. This rate is set by the Department of Education and is the same for every borrower. So before you give up on going to college, you can still pursue your dream by riding the student loan train.
For more information on financing your college education, the considerations when taking out a student loan and finding a student loan visit www.personalfinancemap.com
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